Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we’re fighting for
All that I say, you always say more
-Adele (Turning Tables)
When did my happiness become offensive to you?
The same wit and smile that you once claimed to love are now the tools of Satan. When I dress up I’m a whore, when I don’t I’m a slob. If I laugh too much I’m a temptress, if I laugh too little I’m a wretch. Every conversation is an opportunity to establishing dominance and everything that you have ever given to me or ‘allowed’ me to have is a debt. Everything I do is a transgression and nothing I do is right. I’m cornered and denigrated and when I ask you why, your deadly orchestra starts. The deep timpani of your allegations interspersed with the loud drumming of your accusations. You know that the strident chords of your crescendo will silence all my words. Your eyes light up with a perverse glow as my mind starts to shut down.
The nightmare of my reality and the nightmares of my dreams have started meshing together and I have become so blasé that I now clinically analyze myself.
Just like the stages of depression, my shutdown too has its stages. At first I’m shocked that you could take my simple words and twist it into something ugly and hurtful. It makes me angry that can perceive an infraction where none is intended and unleash such venom. My feeble protests are no match for your rage. You know that I am incapable of being heard above your voice, which is probably why you rant so loud. In the middle of all that white noise that’s seizing up my brain I wonder- Is the boy asleep? Can the neighbours hear? How will I face them tomorrow? Will this shouting ever stop? Will this shouting never stop? Then comes the depression. You have crushed my self-worth with such nonchalance. I realise that there is neither hope nor escape. Your crescendo has bludgeoned my shattered soul into acceptance. I know that there is neither hope nor escape. I collapse within myself and wait for the final mercy. Glorious death – the ultimate symphony.