The room is basic, functional.
Most of my day is spent staring out of the lone window.
Occasionally my son stops by. The visits are brief. I have nothing important to say and he is too busy to linger. Sometimes I ask him to fix something. The frustrated expression on his face tells me that I have lived long enough to be a burden.
It’s cold by the window in the evenings, like standing before an open refrigerator.
This year I spent money on a thicker coat at the thrift store. It doesn’t make my face any warmer or stop the frost that settles on the ledge, but it makes me look less poor on the rare day that I step out onto the street. Unless someone looks closely at my shoes. But no one does. No one cares.
Written in response to Rochelle’s Sunday Fictioneers challenge of 7 Sep 2018 prompted by a photo by Gah Learner
You’ve really created an atmosphere in this story – so poignant – and so beautifully done!
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
LikeLike
Thank you so much.
LikeLike
You let the character tell the story; it’s a bleak story but told without self-pity. You carefully describe significant details that give us the emotional atmosphere, most notably the way she values the thicker coat because it make her look less poor – as long as nobody looks at her shoes. And that takes you to your concluding sentence which is the focus of emotional intensity. “No one cares”
I think you’ve written that story very well, and I like your clear, functional prose.
LikeLike
Thank you so much, for reading and then taking the time to comment so precisely. It’s wonderful to get feedback on one’s writing.
LikeLike
This is so bleak, I just wanna give him something to help put him out of his misery. Unlike Penny, I felt it was a man and was at the point that he no longer cares about anything
LikeLike
Your very kind. And whether it’s a man or woman, Old age, solitude and financial distress hurt just as bad. Thank you for your thoughts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is sad how some become invisible.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Not a way to end one’s days. The sense of loneliness is palpable through your words.
LikeLike
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sheena,
You’ve captured the mood beautifully. And that last searing line “no one cares” is a sucker punch. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
LikeLike
Thank you very much for reading and appreciating.
LikeLike
If you don’t mind my two cents (and you might and are therefore are humbly requested to pretend I never said it,)I think the last sentence is implied in the penultimate sentence (“No one does.”) I would stop there. As Penny said, no self-pity in this account. True, until that last sentence.
Harsh conditions, bravely weathered, with no help from Junior.
LikeLike
I’m just a fledgling writer so feedback is most welcome. I guess I was going for the rhetoric but I see your point. Thank you so much for your constructive comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This story went with the image so well, Makes one wonder, about human society
LikeLiked by 1 person
Packs a punch, a familiar tale told admirably.
LikeLike
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliantly written.
LikeLike
Many thanks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’ve captured the invisibility of old age in your poignant tale. I would really have a few words to say to the son. Doesn’t he notice the frost on the window sill? Because he should!
LikeLiked by 1 person
‘If youth only knew… If age only could…’
Thank you so much for reading and understanding.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is so beautifully written, it captures the loneliness and feeling of invisibility all too well.
LikeLike
So happy that you liked it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
How tragic. The last line hits like a knife through the heart. Nicely done.
LikeLike
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person