The most important and difficult project of my life is parenting and sometimes I fear that I may have screwed that up by projecting a lot of myself on my kid.
I know that’s one of the golden rules, don’t project your fears or insecurities on your children. Don’t perpetuate a cycle of bad parenting just because you were exposed to it.
God, I know the rules, and I keep reminding myself of them, but in retrospect I realise that I may have toned it down a bit, but I’m still guilty of a little bit.
It’s exam season, and people in my part of the world act like one’s entire life hinges on those Grade 12 results. Things are so extreme that we hear of student’s commit suicide every year over exam stress. I swore I would not do that, but when I see how cranky he is, I realise that I have transferred some of my anxiety onto him. I and the entire school system!
There are days I find him banging books and slamming doors. I want to tell him that its not right to project your frustration onto the poor inanimate objects, but a certain self-realisation holds me back. I remember the many times when I’ve told him – mum’s already stressed out today. Don’t push my buttons, and the look on my baby’s face that says but that’s not fair.
I did the same thing too – Projected my frustration onto a person in a position of lesser power.
Yes, I did not raise my hand on him or yank away privileges that were important to him, but neither did I totally break the cycle of abuse. I merely toned it down.
I don’t think I’ve been a bad parent. He still trusts me and respects my opinion while at the same time being confident enough to not agree with me on many things. I would like to think of that as a small triumph.
But I still wish I had been a better and more evolved parent.
Written for the Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt “Project”