In English please!

Legal Speak:
‘Provided you are absolute owner of the property under consideration, you may freely dispose of it inter vivos or by causa mortis.’
Plain English: If you own the place, then you can gift it or will it.

Why?

Why is it that lawyers insist on using such archaic and convoluted language? My lawyer speaks for me, and yet I’m tempted to hire a translator just to understand what it is that I am supposed to be saying.

My mom plans to settle her share of dad’s property on my name; a simple gift from a mother to her daughter. But no, we are not merely mother and daughter, we are instead the party of the first part herein after referred to as the releasor and the party of the other part herein after referred to as the releasee, and of course these terms shall always mean and include our respective legal heirs, legal representatives, executors, attorneys, administrators, assigns, logins, profile pictures, display pictures, twitter handles, and other such crap as the case may be.
However I did like the way I was styled. As absolute owner thereof I get to have and to hold the property along with all rights, titles, benefits, claims, liberties, privileges, easements and advantages appurtenant thereto. I get to appropriate all the rental income accrued therefrom. All the title deeds and other muniments shall soon be in my sole possession.

Oh my God, at that point I started to feel like some uppity richy-rich monarch. Bow before me all lesser non-propertied mortals.
I addition to the major boost to my ego, the other benefit of this barely decipherable document was a considerable improvement in my English vocabulary appurtenant to my property, even though this transpired after much googling. The only damp squib moment was when I learnt that easement doesn’t mean that I get to freely take a dump on my property but only that I have the rights to enter it. I can ingress and egress. Not agress, egress, I intend to be a benevolent monarch after all.

And for the grand finale, we got to seal the deal by setting and subscribing our hand and signature to the presents on the day, month and year first written in afore mentioned deed of release.

Tada….cue trumpets and drum roll.

But seriously, why is every formal document, legal or commercial, swarming with redundancy and rhetoric, and bogged down by ridiculously long and convoluted sentences and other gobbledygook?

Perhaps the famous character of Billy Flynn answers best in Chicago –

Give ’em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle razzle ’em.
Give ’em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate.

Inter-alios* my dears, I call bullshit.

 

In response to the Saturday Stream of Consciousness prompt – inter.

*inter-alios meaning between ourselves